I'm Much Too Young To Feel So Damn Old...

Well I don't actually 'feel' old but this song came on the radio yesterday when I was driving and it sorta hit too close to home. Yesterday I drove all the way to Framingham to have my wedding rings sized. During my pregnancy my fingers got too swollen so I had to take them off. I was hoping that they would return to normal after I gave birth but they haven't. Steve is tired of me wearing his grandmother's diamond band so I went to have them sized, reluctantly went, I should say.

I'm 33 years old, mentally I don’t feel like I’m 33. I still feel like I'm in my 20's. But my body is beginning to show its age. My hands are really freaking me out. Not only do I have fat fingers but the veins are starting to stick out in my hands. The tendons are becoming more prominent too. In other words, my hands look like old lady hands. I look down and all I can see are my Nana's hands. I love and miss my Nana more than anything but I can do without having her hands right now.

If I don't color my hair every 4 weeks it's a disaster. I have a huge patch of gray in the front that is way too visible. I'd say I'm about 30-40% gray. Thank God for color. Knowing that my Aunts were 100% gray by the time they were 40 does not help.

I spent all my college years and after thinking I was fat. I wasn't. I was *tiny* when I got married. Tiny. I wish I could be that size again. I gained a lot of weight before I got pregnant with Arianna. Some of it was due to meds but some of it was pure laziness. What I weighed then was what I weighed in my 8th month of pregnancy with Cam. That’s disgusting.

The pregnancy with her did a number on my body too. I was the heaviest I'd ever been and I retained a lot of fluid. I was not a "cute" pregnant person, by far. I kept hoping the weight would just fall off like it did after Cam. It hasn't. I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight but nothing is the same. My jeans don't fit like they used to. It has been 5 months so I didn't "just have a baby." Maybe it was because of the c-section or maybe it's because I'm that much older. Either way it sucks. Nothing is the same as it used to be. My boobs and butt, which were 2 of my better qualities pre-babies, are disgusting. Gone are the days of perfectly perky boobs. Now they’re deflated and flat even though all attempts at breastfeeding failed. My butt looks like a container of cottage cheese.

Will I ever be happy with the way I look? In college I liked the way I looked but I always wanted to lose weight. Maybe that was the result of having a boyfriend who was a nutbag...But I digress...Now I seem to have no desire to make myself look good. I hardly ever wear makeup. My wardrobe consists of a pair of jeans, long sleeved t's, yoga pants, t's, or a sweat shirt all with UGGS. I wouldn't be caught dead in these clothes back then. I've turned into a total "Mom." All I need is a pair of "Mom jeans." I've turned into the person I swore up and down I would never become. I couldn't tell you what the latest fashions are. But I don't think spit up stained shirts are in. I need a makeover. Is it bad if I call Stacey and Clinton on myself?

Is there such a thing as "growing old gracefully?" Will I ever accept the way I look? I feel like all I have to look forward to are more wrinkles, mammograms and colonoscopys. That gravity thing sure is a bitch.